Let’s face it, your artistic talent is going to waste working for minimum wage at that coffee bar. And you’re not exactly using your top-secret security clearance either, brewing up mochaccinos. Luckily, there’s a job that combines your comic book skills with your remarkable ability to make it through art school while only barely hitting the bong. Virginia-based Pentagon contractor TASC is looking for a graphic artist to join their “Global Systems Business Unit.” There you’ll design “creative artwork” that can “communicate mood, emphasis, insight, viewpoint, and similar visual impressions” through brochures, emblems, and posters.
Twitter Terrorist Stalker
Security firm Archimedes Global wants a “Cyber Counterterrorism Persona Targeting Analyst.” The title sounds great at parties, for one. But basically, it comes down to stalking people on Twitter. Aside from using a required top-secret security clearance to access computer systems maintained by the FBI and the Pentagon’s cybercrime center to “support cyber [counter-terrorist] activities,” a big part of the job involves using “social media analysis (to include Twitter, Facebook, and organic native language social media) in order to establish a pattern of life study of the ‘target’ and obtain information and positive attribution of subjects.”
Russian Counter-Espionage Expert
Three months ago, the FBI pounced on a group of Russians who appeared to be legitimate business executives, but who were allegedly seeking to smuggle high-tech electronics used in all kinds of nasty weapons systems, from targeting computers to detonation triggers. Now here’s your chance to join Team America and bust up more of Moscow’s espionage plots — including sultry spies like Anna Chapman, pictured above. Private intelligence firm Pluribus International is seeking an analyst to “identify and counter foreign intelligence threats” that are trying to steal sensitive military research and technology. “[Counter-intelligence] analytical experience involving Russia is preferred,” notes the job posting, and a security clearance is required.
If you can tell a schlemiel from a schlemazel, one of Washington’s spookiest intelligence contractors has a job for you. CIA contractor MVM, Inc. is looking for part-time Yiddish linguists with “native or near native oral and written communications skills” including the ability to “comprehend slang and colloquial expressions.” Once the main language of Jews until the mid-20th century, Yiddish has since gone into steep decline with the revival of the state of Israel and the Hebrew language. Today, Yiddish is mainly spoken by certain ultra-Orthodox Jewish sects and a handful of revivalists.
Mexican Drug War Instructor
Apply for the job now, ask questions later. That’s the attitude CIA contractor MVM is looking for, as it recruits “teachers” for a little gig down in Mexico. And according to a company job posting, it’s hiring teachers who also happen to be former U.S. law enforcement officers who speak Spanish, have at least 15 years experience in counter-drug intelligence work, and have knowledge of Mexican, Central American and South American “drug trafficking activities including personalities, organizations and trafficking routes.”
For our sake and that of our children, you better know what you’re doing when you apply for this job, because you’ll be chasing biological weapons in the former Soviet bloc and beyond. Defense firm Millennium Corporation is looking for a program manager to help out the Pentagon’s Defense Threat Reduction Agency in preventing “the proliferation and use of weapons of mass destruction … and should that fail, reducing the impact of their use.”
Which one of these 6 craziest job openings is your favorite?